When my grandmother was 12, she was told one day to go wear the new clothes she got, because they were going to a party. What they did not tell her was that it was actually her wedding, with her 20 years old cousin! On the wedding night, she ran back to her parents’ house, (she did not understand exactly what the man in front of her wanted to do!), she was forced to go back, and since then to conceive and give birth to seven children in a row. This all took place little over a hundred years ago in Afghanistan. Today I can understand why my afghan grandmother was always angry and bitter.
The fate of my grandmother from my mother’s side was much better. She got married by choice to my grandfather and lived a comfortable life of a wealthy woman in morocco, about the same period my grandmother in Afghanistan went down to the river on a donkey to wash her clothes, but she, too, did not escape the chauvinistic oppression, the domain of most women of her time.
My grandfather was a very religious man, who forbade her to visit the home of her non-religious daughter. My grandmother obeyed him, but when this daughter tragically died of an epileptic seizure while pregnant, she began to develop Alzheimer’s. To me, this illness allowed her to rebel and tell my grandfather everything she did not dare tell him when she was healthy and sane. For example, She informed him that she was going wherever she wanted and that he shouldn’t ask her where she was going, she embarrassed him in public and demanded from him in loud shouts that he give her money (My grandfather never spared her anything, but as a “good chauvinistic man” he never let her hold money and certainly not be a bank account partner and hold a credit card), and during a holiday meal, with all her children and grandchildren sitting around the table, she could humiliate him and order him to go to the kitchen several times, to bring her something that was not on the table.
When did the life story of my grandmothers begin to come to my mind? It happened while one of the men in my family, took an important financial decision without consulting me, and let me tell you I got furious. And that anger was not just because of my genetic cocktail (half Afghan, half Moroccan) but something that required deeper clarification.
When I told this to Sylvia Ruth Altman, my friend and wonderful therapist using the “family constellation” method, she invited me to check, maybe this terrible anger is not just mine.
And so it was… During the family constellation, my grandmothers’ souls came to my mind and I saw that I was carrying on their anger for being oppressed and controlled by men, I also realized that I had a mission: to be the one to break the lineage of submissive women and set their souls and the souls of the women to come after me free.
But my answer to chauvinism is not to be a feminist. Feminism may be a necessary step on the path to freedom, a kind of backlash, but it is certainly not the ultimate goal of truly free (and happy) women!
My main problem with feminism is that in its pursuit of equality it obscures the differences between men and women. But just as the sun cannot want to be a moon, and the day to become a night – so too women will not be able to be men, but only a type B imitation.
This fact can be studied in depth from Chinese medicine when it showed that in nature there are two opposing forces that complement each other: “yin” which means darkness or shadow and “yang” which means light.
Yin represents peace and tranquility (night, moon, wave drop, etc.) and yang is motion and energy (day, sun, wave peak, etc.), and these two forces are also the ones that define the essential difference between femininity and masculinity in creation.
The nature of male activity is more active and coarser while femininity acts in a more passive and refined way. Tantra teachers have taught that in sex, too, the polarity between the male active energy and the female passive energy is revealed and that it is important to maintain it, because it is based on the attraction and pleasure of both partners. It is important to note that these two forces are equal and there is certainly no room to talk about the superiority of one of them, they are opposites and at the same time complement each other.
Now, a real man, unconsciously notices that a woman has subtle abilities that he does not have. He feels she is a treasure to be guarded and he feels an urge to protect her in the physical world where he feels stronger. Sorry to say, but in my opinion a man who does not feel that way, is a brutal creature who does not deserve to be called a man. These are the chauvinistic men who interpret feminine delicacy as weakness and therefore their power, as control. A queen woman automatically filters these men out of her radius and attracts the men who get down on their knees and want to turn the world around for her.
A queen woman is a woman who is very self-confident, loves herself and therefore keeps her soft feminine energy. Obviously, women can do anything, but in my encounters with women their main problem in life is not that they are not able to do all the male crafts, but that they are exhausted from doing too much! From doing “this” and “also this” and “this”. From working on their career and “work number two” when they return home, because despite all the talk of equality, most household chores still fall on their shoulders. Women need to stop doing, and get back to being, cease to be HUMAN DOING and return to be HUMAN BEING.
Of course, in life there are many moments of doing and male Yang energy whose qualities are control, responsibility, and achievement of goals but women must be aware of their natural need to “go home”. To their Yin energy characterized by acceptance, softness, and relaxation.
And if at work outside the home it is difficult to maintain this delicate energy (the world of doing is masculine in nature) the woman must maintain it in her intimate life: with herself and with her partner.
I have a feminist friend who almost kills a man who dares to open the car door for her “I’m not disabled, and I can open the door myself!” But a queen woman is not interested in fighting men (or castrating them!). She wants next to her a king who will protect her, a man who enjoys and transcends to maintain her refined feminine fragrance. But .. never confuse the delicacy of a queen woman with weakness, because in life, as in a game of chess, the queen is the most powerful tool!